Tech News Update

Run, coward!

Most of today’s video games are pushovers lasting a few mere hours. The following top 25, but, are the most hard games you’ll run into and not easily beaten. We dare you to play any of the following without cursing, throwing controllers or kicking chairs.

Ice Climber (Nintendo)

Ice Climber looks deceivingly simple, with its cute Eskimo characters and equally adorable enemies. But, the later stages toss in conveyor belts, dropping icicles and baddies that constantly reappear — you’ll be hard-pressed to end the game.

Viewtiful Joe (Capcom)

Like most games on this list, Viewtiful Joe starts out simple but turns mind-numbingly tough. Later stages throw puzzles and endless enemies at you that’ll have you screaming for mercy, especially on a cranked-up difficulty. C’mon, don’t play it on Children’s setting. Be a man.

MDK 2 (Interplay)

Whether you’re playing through the game with Kurt Hectic, Max or Dr. Fluke Hawkins, you’ll need to bring every skill you have into MDK 2. Programmed by the savvy team at BioWare, the sequel to the hit Shiny Interactive game pulls out all the stops with even more challenging enemies and larger stages. One in particular requires perfect timing with Max and his rocket pack. Excellent luck surviving that.

Zelda II: The Adventure of Link (Nintendo)

The Adventures of Link has plenty of hack n’ slash action. Link is well armed with his sword and shield, but that doesn’t stop the game from throwing everything but the kitchen sink at him. Find all the hearts you can in this one. You’ll need them.

Metal Slug series (SNK)

For the last 13 years, SNK’s Metal Slug series has delivered nothing small of balls-to-the-wall shoot-em-up action. Just when you reckon you’ve got one boss licked, along comes another with even more firepower. Fortunately, you have a gun-toting monkey and a camel with a turret for help. A petting zoo, this ain’t.

Tetris (various)

Alexei Pajitnov’s puzzle creation continues to consume countless hours since 1985. No matter what version of the game you play, the later stages are nearly impossible. Puzzle pieces drop so quick that you barely have time to make solid lines – or find open spaces to place the pieces, for that matter.

Gauntlet (Atari)

Gauntlet is a pain if you go it alone. In fact, it’s still a pain even if you have three other friends tagging along. This dungeon crawler pits you against hundreds of enemies at once, coming at you with axe attacks and fireballs until you meet your demise. You’ll need to confront them as you search for keys, magic spells and most importantly, food. Health doesn’t regenerate on its own.

Portal (Valve)

Valve’s wildly brilliant first-person puzzle game still holds our interests as part of the Orange Box or through the Xbox Live Still Alive expansion. The early levels are a breeze, but you’ll eventually play levels that’ll fry your brain. GLaDOS isn’t much help, badgering you with insults until you eventually face her at the game’s conclusion. The worst part is the promised cake is a lie.

Bionic Commando series (Capcom)

Capcom knows how to make a challenging game, and Bionic Commando is no exception. Its NES debut frustrated many, although an elite few managed to survive a dictator’s onslaught to see the conclusion. Since then, the series has maintained its hard streak, with a Game Boy Color release and last year’s downloadable Bionic Commando Rearmed. 

Guitar Hero series, expert difficulty (Activision)

“Sure,” you say. “Guitar Hero isn’t that hard.” Well, on simple and medium difficulty, perhaps. Even on hard, there’s a few gamers who can take what it dishes out. But, if you want to be a right guitar master, you’ll shred on expert difficulty. Here, you’ll be place to the test, especially with such songs as “Bark At the Moon” and “Through the Fire and Flames.” You’ll barely be able to feel your hands afterwards.

Shinobi (Sega)

The previous Shinobi games, such as the original arcade game and the Genesis adventures, were honestly simple to beat. On the PlayStation 2, but, Joe Musashi’s quest turns monstrous. He battles a number of god-like foes in this revamp. Worse yet, some stages require pure athleticism just to get by. We’re talking no floors. None whatsoever.

F-Zero GX (Nintendo)

The most recent addition to the F-Zero series is the best one to date, but it’s also the toughest. If you manage to make it to the later cup circuits, the odds are firmly stacked against you. We’re talking opponents that check you at every turn, gravity-defying jumps that force you out of the race and hairpin turns so nasty, you’ll lose a chunk of your energy just trying to come off the barrier. That is, when there’s a barrier to catch you.

Mushihimesama Futari (Cave)

Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to bullet hell. Cave’s Japan-only shooter is one you’ve probably never seen, and one you will probably never beat. That’s because every enemy shoots something at you, limiting your chances at survival. In fact, it’ll take you five minutes just to figure out the final boss’s shooting patterns, and another five to ten (and several dollars in quarters) to ruin it. Check around YouTube if you don’t believe us.

Doom, Nightmare difficulty (id Software)

One of the pioneers of the first-person shooting genre, id’s Doom is also one of the toughest. The simpler difficulty levels are pushovers, but crank it up to Nightmare and send back a postcard from hell. Demons come at you from all sides, spewing fireballs and chipping away at your energy. Even if you have heavy armor and a slew of weapons, your chances of surviving this mode are slim. There’s a reason why they call it Nightmare.

Call of Duty 4: Modern Warfare (Activision)

If you crave realistic war action, look no further than Activision’s epic Call of Duty 4: Modern Warfare. It’s already a handful on lighter difficulty settings, but real pros will want to step up to the veteran level. Here, your enemies don’t hold back, shooting from all sides while you try to take them down with a steady trigger finger and a handful of grenades. We’ll see you on the battlefield, soldier.

Contra series (Konami)

Contra is one of those holy grail franchises that poses a challenge for all who approach it. The two NES games were hard to beat, unless you were one of those people that used a code for multiple lives. Then came the sequels Contra III: The Alien Wars on SNES (a monster on the toughest setting) and Contra: Shattered Soldier, a game that’s so frustrating we still haven’t beaten it. (We’ve gotten close, though.)

Defender (Williams)

As the last line of defense for Earth, you’ve got an dreadful lot to tackle in Williams’ arcade classic. Mutants have overtaken the planet, and they’re sucking up innocent people. Not only must you blast these creatures into oblivion, but you also have to rescue falling civilians. Later stages are incredibly demanding, especially with the introduction of the smaller swarm ships. Don’t say we didn’t give you a heads up.

Devil May Weep 3 (Capcom)

In Devil May Weep 3, the “hard” difficulty setting from the Japanese version became “normal” in the States, and Capcom then introduced a new difficulty mode called “Dante Must Die.” It was so overwhelming that Capcom had to introduce an simpler Special Edition to cool down the gaming community.

God of War series (SCEA)

To breeze through God of War games, choose the lightest difficulty and delight in the cakewalk. For the rest of us, there’s God mode, which punishes players with enemies that don’t hold anything back; just wait until you face the serpents. Oh, and don’t expect God of War III to be any simpler.

R-Type (Irem)

R-Type leads the pack of nearly impossible shooters. When this game first hit arcades in the late ’80s, people kept slamming quarters down for a chance to take on the Bydo Empire with a small spacecraft. It’s still a pain in the butt, especially the recently released Xbox Live Arcade game R-Type Dimensions. (Unless you’re a wuss and take the simpler route.)

Ikaruga (Treasure)

Speaking of unbelievably hard shooters, we can’t have this list without this Treasure classic. Ikaruga has a twist to its shooting techniques, as you’ll switch between two colors and absorb enemy bullets to fire charged shots. You’ll need to buy power-ups, as enemies unleash gorgeous, firework-style destruction. Excellent luck getting past level five – or even level three.

Mega Man 9 (Capcom)

Most Mega Man games have their honest share of frustrations, most notably Mega Man 3 on the NES and the Mega Man X games on the PlayStation. Nothing, though, comes close to what you’ll face in Mega Man 9. This downloadable game for Xbox Live, Wii Shop Channel and PlayStation Network hurls everything it’s got at you, from fire-throwing flowers to tough spiked floors to crazy boss battles. There’s also a list of Challenges to complete, some of which are borderline insane. One even requires you to survive a boss battle for 10 minutes.

Battletoads (Tradewest)

The designers at Rare were either mad scientists bent on breaking our spirits or freakin’ geniuses testing our physical limits when they produced Battletoads on the NES. Maybe it’s both. Either way, this wild platforming game has several tasks for you and a friend to complete, including speeder bike chases, snake riding, beating up baddies and surfing. Few have seen the game’s conclusion.

Ghouls n’ Ghosts series (Capcom)

Ghosts n’ Goblins is without question one of the most hard video game series of all time. Its lead character, Arthur, valiantly attempts to save his like, only to die repeatedly at the hands of numerous monsters. Super Ghouls n’ Ghosts for the SNES is a real test, requiring you to go through the game twice before it ends. Many a controller died beating that one.

Ninja Gaiden series (Tecmo)

Finally, we come to the series that will bring you to your knees and make you weep for mercy. Since its debut on the NES, Ninja Gaiden introduced tough enemies and even tougher bosses. Over the years, it’s only gotten harder. Ninja Gaiden Black is ridiculous with its enormous list of challenges to complete and tough terrible guys. Ninja Gaiden II on the Xbox 360 only increased our stress levels, with monsters so vicious we punched holes through walls. – Robert Workman